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People yell for all sorts of reasons. Depending on the situation they’re in, their personality and several other factors, a raised voice could be anything from a normal emotional expression to a precursor to physical aggression. If you’re with someone who yells at you, especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, you could be in an abusive relationship and need to address the situation as soon as possible.
Understanding Yelling in Relationships
People generally get married because they’re in love, and it’s characteristic of a loving relationship that both parties emotionally support each other. When one person in the marriage uses a raised voice and verbal abuse to make the other person feel bad or frightened, the relationship has devolved into a negative pattern that isn’t productive or safe. You have a right to not be verbally assaulted in your own home, and yelling is often part of a badly dysfunctional relationship dynamic.
People usually yell to cope with negative emotions in the moment. This can also be outright abusive behavior, which makes it a potential threat to the safety of everyone in the family. If your wife’s yelling crosses the healthy boundaries you’re trying to set, it may be necessary to seek professional help. During the early stage of therapy, it might not be productive or safe to live together, but it’s a good idea to ask your therapist for advice about your situation before making a major change.
Verbal Assault: Male vs. Female Responses
While much of the discourse about abusive relationships has (properly) encouraged women to speak up about their domestic situations, men in abusive relationships have frequently gotten the message that they’re to blame for abusive relationship patterns, even as the victim of assault. For many, it’s difficult even to recognize that the behavior is abusive at all. Many people falsely believe that a man (who might be bigger and stronger) cannot be the recipient of abuse, research proves this is not true.
When the term “abusive relationship” gets used, it’s common for people to think of physical abuse. And while it’s true that women are more likely to be abused by men than vice versa, men can be — and are — victims too. About 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men experience physical violence by their intimate partner at some point during their lives. About 1 in 3 women and nearly 1 in 6 men experience some form of sexual violence. Among adults currently in a relationship, 6.1% of women report experiencing some form of abuse in the previous 12 months, while the equivalent figure for men is 6.0%.
These are all-inclusive figures that cover diverse behaviors, such as yelling, preventing a partner from leaving, breaking property, slapping, punching and other forms of physical violence and various forms of sexual assault, including rape. Raised voices and harsh words may be far to one side of the intimate partner violence spectrum, but the fact that this behavior is on the spectrum at all makes it imperative you seek help for the situation before the behavior escalates.
Effects of Yelling on Mental Health
Even when physical violence isn’t part of the picture, there can be some serious mental health effects when a wife yells at her partner. In public, it’s often embarrassing, and in private, the effect of even a single bout of yelling can be shame, anger and a feeling of emotional separation between the couple. Repeated episodes can cause long-term effects, such as depression and the degradation of the relationship until things pass the point of no return.
As hard as this can be on a partner, it’s worse when there are children in the house. Children can easily be made to feel their home isn’t a safe place when their mother loses emotional control near them, especially when it happens a lot. As adults, they may carry the emotional baggage of their early abusive environment and either repeat their parents’ destructive relationship in their own homes or express the insecurity they feel in negative ways.
Communication Strategies for Dealing With Yelling
If your wife yells at you but you feel it’s short of domestic violence, it may be worth trying to adjust the dynamic inside your home. Yelling between partners is almost never okay, and the sooner the issue is addressed, the safer and more positive the home environment is likely to be. During a calm moment, explain that yelling is unacceptable and that there are specific consequences if it happens again, such as a separation. Try to use “I” statements to express the effect her yelling has on you rather than accusing “you” statements that can make a person feel defensive or attacked. Focus on the behavior, not the person, but set firm boundaries you’re willing to enforce.
Setting Boundaries and Seeking Support
Yelling is an aggressive act. Short of throwing a punch, it’s an attempt to cross a personal boundary and achieve a strongly negative emotional effect. You can resist this by setting firm boundaries. Instead of rewarding yelling at home, identify the behavior and refuse to tolerate it. There’s no single ideal for what to do if your wife is yelling at you, but a willingness to confront the action without escalating the situation is often the best route.
Seeking Professional Help
If yelling persists despite your efforts to address it, consider seeking professional help. A couples therapist can help you and your wife navigate conflicts and improve communication skills. Individual therapy can also be beneficial in dealing with the emotional toll of yelling in your relationship.
My Wife Yells at Me and Domestic Violence Help
You don’t have to live with yelling as a part of your life. If your wife yells at you and you feel it’s time to make a change, the understanding professionals at FHE are here to help. Contact us anytime to break the cycle of verbal abuse in your home.
