Red Flags That a Relationship Is Bad for Your Mental Health

When a relationship is healthy, it is characterized by honesty, respect, trust, and open communication. Partners support one another and know how and when to compromise.

Mental health is another very important factor in healthy relationships. It can play a role in determining the overall health of a relationship. It also stands to benefit greatly when a relationship is happy and healthy.

In the sections that follow, we’ll take a closer look at the role of mental health in relationships, identify various red flags to look for, explore the impact on mental health, and offer some suggestions for what to do when you notice red flags in relationships.

For expert answers, we reached out to Dr. Laine Davis, M.S., Psy.D. Dr. Davis is a licensed psychologist who specializes in anxiety, depression, and interpersonal and relationship issues (among other areas). She offered the following advice about warning signs and red flags to look for in unhappy relationships.

Understanding Mental Health in Relationships

Impact of Relationships on Mental Wellbeing

Not surprisingly, a relationship can have a significant positive or negative impact on a person’s mental well-being. Some examples of benefits might be more motivation to work out and higher self-esteem, both of which contribute to overall well-being. Conversely, if emotional or physical abuse is occurring, a person may begin experiencing anxiety, depression, or other symptoms that disrupt their daily life.

If a healthy relationship is good for your mental health, this may be especially true for those in recovery from addiction and/or other mental health issues. A happy marriage or stable partnership can reduce stress and be a buffer against depression. On the other hand, an unhealthy relationship with a significant other can be worse for mental health than being single and living alone, according to studies cited by the Mental Health Foundation.

Signs of a Healthy Relationship

In addition to the above characteristics of a healthy relationship, here are more signs that you’re in a healthy relationship:

• Boundaries
• Independence
• Conflict resolution
• Mutual respect

Identifying Red Flags in Your Relationship

What are signs that a relationship may be detrimental to your mental well-being? If you’re thinking, “This relationship is making me anxious and depressed,” but aren’t sure why, how do you know your relationship is unhealthy? Such questions can be harder to answer when you’re feeling anxious or depressed—or if past interactions with a significant other have mostly happened when under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Dr. Davis recommended looking for the following red flags in your relationship:

Emotional Red Flags

• You often feel suspicious. Your mind is working overtime with doubts and constant worrying about your partner’s behavior.
• You feel like you don’t know your partner anymore. Ideally, growth and change happen with understanding, communication, and transparency.
• You feel misunderstood. You may have frequent disagreements with your partner where you feel like they don’t hear you or “get” you.

Other emotional red flags:

• Worry about when you will see the person again
• Lack of personal growth
• Settling for bursts of connection but craving more
• Fear of upsetting a partner or causing conflict
• Feeling like you are lacking in some way
• Feeling empty after interactions
• Low sense of security in the relationship

Behavioral Red Flags

• You have a sense of going through the motions. Relationships can get stuck in a holding pattern, but a lasting feeling of drudgery may be a problem.
• You censor yourself regularly. Keeping meaningful things to yourself may keep you from enjoying emotional intimacy.
• One person does all the “work” in the relationship.
• Second-guessing a partner’s motives
• Making excuses for a partner

Communication Red Flags

• Resentments are festering. Instead of openly discussing problems, one partner may be silently seething.
• Stonewalling and the silent treatment
• “You feel like you can be open with this person, but maybe they are not as open with you … You’re unable to connect emotionally.”
• Frequent conflict

Impact on Mental Health

Psychological Effects of Being in a Toxic Relationship

How do you know if a partner makes your anxiety worse? When it comes to mental health in relationships, various factors, not just a partner, can contribute to a person’s anxiety. Signs that a partner may be making your anxiety worse, according to Dr. Davis, are “constant fear that a partner will leave; feeling agitated and antsy in the relationship; struggling to trust romantic partners; and saying ‘yes’ to sex when you’re not wanting it.”

In other words, a relationship can contribute to mental illness. This may be especially true among people who have genetic markers for anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues and/or who have a history of trauma or other environmental factors associated with mental illness.

As evidence, Dr. Davis noted a research study in 2012 that found that infidelity in a relationship can raise the risk of suicidal thoughts, which can resemble PTSD. She also pointed to a later study in 2016. It revealed that if one partner found out about the other partner’s infidelity, they had an increased risk of a depressive episode—if they have that condition already.

Long-Term Consequences of Ignoring Red Flags in Relationships

What are some long-term consequences of ignoring red flags in your relationships?

Growing Isolation from Your Support Group

Often, one partner’s controlling nature can cause the other partner to feel increasingly isolated from their support group (although they may not perceive that this is happening). In this case, ask yourself “if you’re changing majorly for a person,” Dr. Davis noted. “Say your friend used to be independent, outspoken, and the life of the party, and now they are not, that is something to be concerned about.”

You Feel Like You Have No Outlet/Friends

With growing isolation from one’s support group, you may feel like you have no outlet or friends in whom to confide. In some cases, this may entail “the pain of being ghosted” (when a partner or friend suddenly stops responding to your texts or calls).

Dr. Davis offered the following advice for people who feel trapped and alone in this space:

• Acknowledge that it hurts. The loss of potential and of your good feelings may hurt even if you didn’t care much for the ghoster. That’s OK.
• Offer yourself understanding and sympathy. You’re experiencing normal human emotions.
• Talk about it with someone. Sometimes, putting your feelings into words can help you process and move on.
• Take care of your mind and body. Eating well, sleeping well, and exercise can help.
• Make room for the possibility that the ghoster thought they were doing the right thing (even if they were wrong.)

Not “Allowed” to Seek Therapy Help

If you’re not “allowed” to seek therapy, that is an obvious red flag that a relationship is bad for your mental health. It also may coincide with a partner who is controlling and whose controlling nature has caused you to feel increasingly isolated from former friends and support.

“Gaslighting” can be another indication that efforts to get help for yourself and/or the relationship will be rejected. Dr. Davis described “five common tactics” that people who gaslight use. They “lie about things you know to be true; accuse you of the negative behaviors they engage in themselves; call you crazy, emotionally unbalanced, or too sensitive; undermine you in subtle ways; and, when confronted about their behavior, they often deflect and distract.”

Taking Action

Self-Reflection

Often, people aren’t sure whether the root issue is the unhappy relationship or whether they’re depressed. Many relationships go through dry spells or seasons where one or both partners may feel dissatisfied. Sometimes, though, the core issue may not be the relationship itself but the fact that one partner is depressed.

Ask yourself whether any of the above red flags describe your relationship. Try to identify your emotions and what they might reveal about your sense of security and well-being in the relationship. With more self-reflection, you may be able to find a resolution to the issue or decide to seek support.

Seeking Support

Certain issues are more likely to require support in the form of couples counseling or other resources. If a partner is controlling, for example, that can be bad for the partner’s mental health in a relationship. A controlling nature can manifest in various ways.

A controlling partner “may be preoccupied with blaming others, speak in all-or-nothing terms and escalate disagreements, or exhibit unmanaged or intense emotions such as rage over a minor or non-existent problem,” Dr. Davis said. She added that a controlling partner may also engage in “a pattern of extreme behavior or threats.” For example, they may say things like “‘I will show people how awful you are,’ or ‘You’ll never see the kids again if we divorce.’”

A controlling partner may also do the following, according to Dr. Davis:

• Isolate a partner from family and friends
• Try to pit a partner against others
• Treat a partner as if they are never good enough
• Use the silent treatment
• Ignore a partner’s needs

Often, seeking outside support can be a critical first step toward healing from this type of emotional abuse (and, in the worst cases, physical abuse).

Setting Boundaries

One way to set boundaries is to exercise good preventative mental health in a relationship and attend to what Dr. Davis referred to as the “seven deadly relationship sins”:

1. All Take and No Give. Relationships require fairness and balance.
2. Lack of Empathy. It’s important to practice perspective-taking.
3. Negative interactions should not outnumber positive ones.
4. Playing Head Games. Don’t resort to blaming or gaslighting.
5. Lack of Communication. Open and honest dialogue is essential.
6. Spend quality time with your partner.
7. No Relationship Maintenance. Put in regular effort to strengthen intimacy.

When to Seek Therapy for Your Relationship

Even in the healthiest relationship, you may spot a red flag. It may be an opportunity to grow in your relationship and prioritize your mental health. No relationship is immune from problems. If you hit a roadblock, don’t be afraid to talk about it.

“Bring it up and be open and honest with your partner and try to say how you feel,” Dr. Davis said. “You don’t have to run immediately to a couple’s counselor, but if you feel like you’re not being heard over and over, then maybe it would be good to seek a therapist. If your partner doesn’t want to do therapy, it is still beneficial to seek out an individual therapist.”