Borderline personality disorder (BPD) affects around 1.8% of the general population. Being in a relationship with a partner who has BPD can pose many challenges. A person with BPD may experience significant mood changes that affect their thoughts, emotions and behaviors. While the condition can vary and treatment can minimize BPD symptoms in many cases, the condition is also a permanent one that will require lifelong management. When a relationship fails, you may find yourself wondering how to compassionately leave someone with BPD while still setting boundaries for yourself.
BPD is sometimes compared to a roller-coaster ride because of its ups and downs and twists and turns. The individual who has the disease, however, isn’t the only person who experiences the unexpected mood swings or erratic, risk-taking behaviors associated with the condition. Their spouse or partner must also contend with the impact the illness can cause.
When one partner has BPD, many couples find their own ways of navigating the illness and its telltale highs and lows. Therapy, medication and even improving their understanding of mental illness can help couples achieve greater stability. However, many partners of individuals with BPD find it difficult to cope with the disease and the ways it manifests in their loved one.
In many of these cases, the partner decides to end the relationship. The reasons for splitting up can vary. For the partners of people with BPD, deciding to leave their partner can be a difficult choice. However, if the individual with BPD is making self-destructive decisions, it could be the only practical choice.
How do you know if it’s time to leave a partner with BPD? We’ll explore that question below.
Evaluate Your Own Mental Health
When a spouse has BPD, their feelings and moods are always in the spotlight, but what about yours? How do you feel as a result of caring for someone with this condition? How have your partner’s moods and behaviors affected your emotions? Being married to someone with BPD can make you feel like you’re being left alone with your worries and stresses. The stress and uncertainty associated with caring for the individual through their mood swings can take an emotional toll on a spouse.
Individuals with BPD experience fluctuations in energy levels that can affect a spouse’s life considerably. When a partner with BPD is experiencing low energy or is in the throes of a depressive phase, they may be unable to work or help manage other aspects of the household, such as caring for children or the home. Their spouse ends up alone with all the responsibilities. Again, this can create chronic stress, and that can lead to the development of depression or other mental health disturbances.
Understanding Your Role as a Partner, Not a Therapist
If you’re married to someone with BPD, it’s natural to want to support your loved one. But remember, you’re a partner, not a therapist. You may crave an emotional connection, but sometimes that’s not possible, even in relationships without mental illness. What matters most is how you feel about your role and how it impacts your own mental health and quality of life.
Options Before Leaving
Before ending the relationship, you may wish to consider some potentially helpful options that could alter your decision. In some cases, one or several of these options might improve the situation for both you and your spouse. Before leaving someone with BPD, consider the following.
Attending Counseling
Counseling is often beneficial for the partners of individuals with BPD. A therapist can help you better understand the mental illness your loved one is experiencing. They may be able to help you manage your stress and find better coping strategies so you can protect your own well-being while supporting your spouse. However, they may also validate your feelings about leaving the relationship.
Suggesting Treatment Options
Effective management is the key to longer periods of stability for individuals experiencing BPD. Exploring new treatments may improve the situation for both you and your spouse. Talk to mental health professionals about strategies you can try to support your loved one and minimize the stress you’re experiencing.
Discuss the Impact
Sometimes being the spouse of a person with BPD feels lonely because you leave so much unsaid. You may find you keep your feelings bottled up so you don’t say something to hurt your loved one. After all, the disease is at the root of what so often feels like chaos. Talk to your partner about your feelings. Hopefully, that will persuade them to focus on their treatment and strategies for managing their illness.
Determine If Intervention Is Best
Sometimes people who have BPD engage in behaviors that make staying in a relationship with them impossible or nearly impossible. Consider whether an intervention that involves other family members or a professional could help. Could an intervention help you persuade your spouse to attend treatment sessions if they’ve stopped or opt for more intensive care, such as a stay in a mental health facility?
Keep in mind that staging an intervention is a big decision — one that can backfire if not handled correctly. Be sure to consult mental health experts about how to initiate this process and whether an intervention is likely to be successful in your specific situation.
Making a Decision to Leave
When a person is considering leaving their partner with BPD, it’s often fraught with misgivings and questions. Should you leave? When is it time to walk away? People may have feel tremendous love for their spouse yet still feel leaving the relationship is the only way to preserve their own well-being. How do you know it’s time to go? If any of the below actions are occuring, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
High-Risk or Reckless Behaviors
When a person (with or without a mental illness) engages in risky behaviors like gambling or extramarital affairs, it’s going to have a severe impact on their relationship with their spouse. It’s not uncommon for a partner of someone with BPD to decide to leave when their own health or financial well-being is in jeopardy.
Refusing Treatment
If your spouse is skipping their medication or refusing to attend therapy sessions, you might feel compelled to go. Many people with BPD discontinue treatment during times when they’re feeling good. However, skipping treatment can lead to a greater frequency of mood changes that make it difficult to know what to expect from one day to another. If your loved one won’t get help, you may decide you can no longer stay in the relationship.
Threatening Your Well-Being
If you’re feeling perpetually anxious or depressed as a result of caring for your loved one with BPD, you might find it impossible to continue living in those circumstances. Caring for your loved one while maintaining the responsibilities of work, home and family can erode your own mental well-being.
How to Leave Someone With BPD
Leaving someone with BPD involves careful planning, especially because of the emotional complexity of the situation. If you’re wondering how to leave someone with BPD without causing further harm or unnecessary turmoil, consider reaching out for professional support. Consulting a therapist can help you navigate the emotional challenges and make decisions that prioritize both your mental health and your partner’s well-being.
Facing Guilt After Leaving
Leaving a spouse suffering from a mental illness is a big decision. Afterward, you may experience intense bouts of guilt, especially as you find that your own life becomes more stable and you begin to feel better. Don’t try to deal with this emotional upheaval alone. Seek a qualified therapist or counselor who can help you cope with your guilt and develop strategies for rebuilding your life while dealing with the emotional fallout of ending a relationship.
Whether you’re trying to support your loved one with BPD or thinking about leaving them, meeting with a trained therapist who understands BPD and its many challenges can be critical support. Sometimes inpatient treatment for BPD may also be part of the solution. Remember that you can’t support others until you’re in a good place yourself. Depending on the type and length of the relationship and your own comfort with setting boundaries, you may be able to support your ex-partner once you have reframed the relationship and are no longer living together or financially tied to each other.
Get Help From FHE
At FHE Health, we provide a range of mental health services, including talk therapies and counseling for individuals with BPD. For more information about our mental health treatment program and BPD treatment at FHE Health, reach out to us today.
Frequently Asked Questions
- Is It OK to Leave Someone With BPD?
Leaving someone with BPD is OK. Nobody is required to remain in a relationship with someone if they’re unhappy. Calmly and cleanly ending a relationship can be beneficial for both parties’ mental health. - How Can I End a Relationship With Someone With BPD?
Some individuals with BPD find it difficult to cope when a romantic partner leaves them. Calm, clear communication that avoids blame and sets boundaries can help reduce difficulties as the relationship ends. - How Do BPD Relationships Commonly End?
Individuals with BPD sometimes go through periods of anger or rage and may lash out at romantic partners if they feel abandoned or rejected. This rage can be followed by guilt or shame and withdrawal, adding further strain to an already tested relationship.
