For the 10% of Americans who will at some point live with addiction, it’s common to think — or believe for the sake of rationalization — that no one else is at risk. Unfortunately, this is far from the truth. Addiction hurts many people, from family members sharing a home or relying on financial support to romantic partners and coworkers depending on job contribution. Everyone in an individual’s family, social, educational and professional circles will feel the effects of addiction, and there’s no way around that.
As such, it’s not uncommon for those in recovery to feel the need to make up for the things they’ve done wrong. In fact, many rehabilitation processes, such as 12-step programs, require making amends with those wronged through addiction. However, this is often easier in theory than in practice.
When it comes time to make amends, reaching out to admit wrongdoing and offering a sincere apology can be scary or overwhelming, but knowing the proper steps to take can make all the difference. Here’s how to make amends with family and friends and lay the foundation for a repaired relationship.
Admit Your Actions to Loved Ones
For most, the intuitive first step to making amends is saying “I’m sorry.” However, the friends and family members of someone with a substance use disorder are likely used to hearing empty apologies, and another seemingly insincere “sorry” isn’t going to have much impact.
What could make a difference is acknowledging the extent of wrongdoing. Most addicts who apologize do it to quickly mend fences or escape ramifications rather than admitting mistakes or accepting that there’s a problem. That’s why acknowledging mistakes, poor behavior and negative actions is an important part of making amends.
Rather than saying “I’m sorry,” consider making amends with examples such as, “I know my actions have hurt you.” When possible, speak about specific instances, like missing family obligations, stealing money, saying hurtful things, ending relationships or pushing work off on coworkers, rather than in generalities.
Illustrating the extent of understanding can show a genuine expression of remorse. When you clearly indicate an awareness of how the addiction has hurt friends and family members, your apologies are more likely to be interpreted as sincere.
Don’t Make Excuses
There’s no excusing the harm caused by addiction. As appealing as it is to blame addiction-related problems on other circumstances or challenges in life, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter to those who were harmed. Hurt feelings and broken trust don’t go away just because someone had a bad day.
When apologizing, never use the word “but,” because no exception will make a difference. Being in a dark place, coping with challenging financial pressure or job loss, being high or drunk or needing money for food aren’t excuses for lying, cheating, abusing or stealing, even if it felt that way at the time. Saying something like “I’m sorry I stole money from you, but I was going through withdrawal and would have done anything for more drugs” essentially takes away all accountability, leaving an acknowledgment empty.
Part of making amends involves owning bad behavior, even if doing so hurts in the moment. It’s about mending fences with other people, not making yourself feel better, so how awkward or stressful the process may be isn’t relevant. When reaching out, take ownership of your actions, say a genuine “I’m sorry,” explain your reason for apologizing and don’t ruin the moment by making excuses.
Temper Your Expectations
In recovery, it’s common to crave a return to life before addiction. As such, many people approach making amends as the key to recovering a relationship. However, this is rarely the case.
Those who weren’t seriously hurt — perhaps a few lunch dates were canceled at the last minute or a coworker had to pick up the slack once or twice — may be willing to go back to normal after a sincere apology. However, those who had to live with your addiction for years may see things differently.
Listing examples of bad behavior and apologizing can be a good first step, but it likely won’t undo hardship and heartache experienced over a longer period of time. For example, a spouse who was lied to, parents who were stolen from or children who were disappointed by an absent parent will likely require more time and consideration than a single “I’m sorry.”
When making apologies, be sure to temper your expectations. Some people will respond positively and welcome your sober return to their lives, but others may not. For those hurt the worst by your addiction, it may take a long time for things to go back to normal — if they ever do.
Part of recovery is accepting that there may be no way to repair a damaged relationship and learning how to be okay with that. Going into apologizing and making amends without sky-high expectations can make this easier to accomplish. Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to respond to someone making amends, so instant acceptance isn’t a guarantee.
Making Amends Is One Small Step on the Road to Recovery
Making amends is a healing process for both those in recovery and their friends and loved ones, but that doesn’t mean everything will be sunshine and roses. Depending on the extent of the addiction, making amends may be a slow, exacting process or one that will never happen fully. This can be very painful to realize, but there’s no way to force a relationship with someone who’s been burned one too many times. Some people may come back eventually, but only after plenty of time to ensure recovery is going to be for the long haul.
Learning how to make amends with a friend or family member isn’t necessarily intuitive, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. By owning up to mistakes without making excuses and keeping your expectations in line, it’s possible to start the slow process of rebuilding relationships one step at a time.
For those living with addiction, getting help can be a vital way to rebuild lost connections. Contact us at FHE Health at (833) 596-3502 today to learn more about our comprehensive rehabilitation programs, including inpatient and outpatient treatment opportunities.
