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If you and your partner seem to be having the same arguments day after day or sense a growing distance, it may be time to seek professional help. A great marriage counselor can be the difference between overcoming struggles and growing closer or splitting up over unresolved issues.
One of the big focuses of relationship counseling is coming together as a team to solve problems. Over time, you can begin to learn new ways to support each other and set your relationship in a more positive direction.
But what traits make a good counselor? Conversely, what are the signs of a bad marriage counselor? Dr. Sachi Ananda, Ph.D., is a renowned sex and relationships therapist who directs Shatterproof FHE Health, our specialized treatment program for first responders. In the sections that follow, Dr. Ananda offers insider insight into issues like therapist bias and how to ensure a good fit for a therapist.
How to Find a “Good” Couples Therapist?
First off, you should assess your definition of “good.” No therapist is a miracle worker, so it’s important to set realistic goals. Plus, many of the skills and traits that go into successful relationship counseling are intangible.
Traits of a Good Marriage Counselor
A good marriage counselor has the following specific traits that help build a supportive environment for both partners:
- Balances the Conversation: A good therapist keeps the focus even, making everyone feel equally involved. They don’t focus on assigning blame but on building stronger connections.
- Offers Clear Guidance: They should outline what success might look like and provide guidance on how to get there.
- Maintains a Safe Space: They foster a calm and constructive environment. Even when emotions run high, they help both partners express themselves openly.
The Personal Nature of Therapy
Therapy is an inherently personal experience. For it to be successful, you have to be willing to be vulnerable and honest, and that can be a scary prospect.
With relationship counseling, you then have to add other people into the equation, which can further complicate the dynamic. For example, it’s common for one partner to be less willing to participate in marriage counseling. Plus, most people come into counseling with a firm idea of what the relationship’s problems are and what it takes to solve them.
When a therapist explores other options or disagrees with these conclusions, you may ask, “Is my therapist biased?” It is helpful to explore whether it is therapist bias or simply a different approach to your relationship problems.
The Role of a Good Marriage Counselor
Moments like these are when truly great marriage counselors shine. Primarily, the goal is to help clients learn to face existing relationship struggles and work through them as a team. A couples or marriage therapist should be able to even the playing field and make everyone feel equally involved.
It’s not about winning fights or deciding who is the better partner. It’s about what we can all do in these moments to build stronger connections. One way to do this is to reframe comments that are one-sided and harmful. For instance, frame, “You’re always late because you don’t care enough about me to be on time,” to a more positive or neutral, “I understand that you have difficulty with our schedule.”
Recognizing Bias in Therapists
That being said, marriage counselors are human, too. Everyone has bias, and everyone has their own idea of what a successful relationship looks like. There absolutely are cases where a counselor lets their own biases affect their work.
In fact, one study showed that as many as 50 percent of polyamorous clients felt like their therapists were biased. Therapists are trained to recognize their biases and overcome them to properly help people from all walks of life. Unfortunately, not every therapist displays this trait.
“A sign of a good couple’s therapist is that they will be upfront with their personal biases and theoretical frameworks,” Dr. Ananda said. “They may believe in trying to save marriages at all costs, or they may not think a non-monogamous relationship is healthy even if it is consensual. More importantly, they will not overly favor one person’s perspectives and feelings over the other and appear to be blaming relationship problems to one side.”
Can Marriage Counseling Make Things Worse?
A related question that many people ask: What if a therapist really is bad and can’t do their job? What should people do if they feel a therapist has ruined their relationship?
Unfortunately, not every couple that goes to counseling stays together—for countless reasons. If you’re thinking to yourself, “My therapist ruined my relationship,” you should reflect on what counseling was like. Do your best to be impartial.
When a Therapist May Be Doing More Harm Than Good
If your therapist did any of the following, they may have caused damage to the relationship:
- Singled out only one person’s “flaws” without examining other aspects of the relationship
- Encouraged you to end the relationship for any reason other than personal safety
- Created an aggressive or argumentative environment
However, if you or your partner were unwilling to participate or actively inhibited the counseling process, the therapist was likely not responsible.
Seeking a Second Opinion in Marriage Counseling
“Not every marriage counselor will be a perfect fit for every couple,” Dr. Ananda said. “If one therapist is not helping the couple with their goals, it is important to not give up. Find another couple’s therapist, and before committing to working with them, explain the problems you had with the previous therapist to see if they will work differently with you.”
Your best bet is to seek out a second opinion. Even individual therapy with another counselor can uncover whether your therapist is damaging the relationship or is a poor fit. (You might also find this useful: 6 Tips for Overcoming Anxiety That’s Hurting Your Relationships)
Should You Feel Worse After Marriage Counseling?
As with many aspects of counseling, it depends. It’s normal to sometimes feel worse after marriage counseling, especially in the early stages, but that can be a sign of progress. The therapy process is difficult, especially for relationships. You’re often uncovering deeply emotional moments that can leave people feeling vulnerable and then facing them head-on.
You should feel like you’re trending upward, though. After a period of rough sessions, you should feel as if you’re making progress. If a marriage counselor doesn’t seem to be able to help you through these low periods, reach out to them. They may be able to offer advice or provide support.
If you leave a session feeling attacked, consider whether it’s your perception or if the counselor isn’t a good fit.
What if My Therapist Told Me to Leave? Should They Have?
In general, therapists do their best to keep clients at arm’s length and allow them to come to their own decisions. Some clients make tremendous progress after being told to leave a relationship. It’s usually unethical to discuss divorce unless a client brings it up first, however.
Beyond that, if there is a risk of serious harm, a therapist may suggest leaving. Mental, physical, and sexual abuse are key signs to suggest ending a relationship, especially if the aggression is escalating. While it may be possible to address these issues, counselors can tell when doing so is beyond the scope of their ability. If a client is in danger, the therapist will provide them with the resources they need to be safe.
“Couples therapy can be a great way to learn how to communicate better with others,” Dr. Ananda said. “It can also clarify problem areas where couples can make healthy changes for themselves and their relationship. It helps couples feel empowered to take responsibility for their happiness rather than victimized by their relationship woes.”
Get Help for Addiction or Mental Health Through Couples Therapy
Someone who displays the good traits of a marriage counselor traits can provide the support you need to work together through these challenges. To learn how couples or marriage therapy might help you address an addiction or mental health problem, contact us today. At FHE Health, we’ve helped many couples successfully tackle these issues with treatment and therapy.
