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Updated January 9, 2025
BPD brings many challenges, especially the fear of abandonment. This fear can disrupt emotional stability and affect decision-making, particularly in relationships. It can strain connections, causing turmoil for both the person with BPD and those close to them.
To learn how to support someone with BPD or work through a fear of abandonment yourself, read on.
What Is BPD?
Borderline personality disorder, or BPD, is a mental health disorder that affects the way that individuals see themselves and engage with others. Due to difficulty managing emotions and behavior, relationships often face instability.
Intense fear of abandonment, linked to self-image issues, may make people with BPD struggle with being alone. Anger, mood swings, or impulsivity can lead to emotional states that push loved ones away. To avoid the pain of being left behind, individuals may sabotage their relationships, driven by fear of abandonment.
Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder
Symptoms of BPD can include:
- Unstable relationships
- Going to extreme measures to prevent an imagined or real separation
- Periods of losing touch with reality or paranoia
- Risky or impulsive behavior
- Feelings of emptiness
- Self-harm or threats of self-harm in response to being left alone
The symptoms of borderline personality disorder usually begin in a person’s early adult years and can improve with age and treatment.
What Is Fear of Abandonment?
Fear of abandonment (FOA) is an overwhelming worry that the people in your life will leave you. While most people may associate FOA with childhood trauma, the reality is that anyone can develop this fear at any age. FOA may stem from a parent leaving during childhood or a toxic adult relationship of either a romantic or platonic nature.
The fear of being abandoned has a significant impact on people’s relationships and may cause them to avoid getting close to others to protect themselves from potential pain and heartbreak. Severe FOA can make it challenging to maintain a healthy relationship as an adult, particularly when it intersects with BPD.
How Does Fear of Abandonment Relate to BPD?
BPD and abandonment fears frequently go hand in hand, with the fear of abandonment being one of the most significant emotional triggers for individuals with BPD. Because of poor self-image and insecurity, people with BPD often develop a severe FOA that manifests in unhealthy ways. They may fear being left alone and, as a result, go to extremes to prevent that from happening, even if the abandonment is imagined.
Sometimes, fear of abandonment is demonstrated through threats of self-harm if you leave them. If you’re in a relationship with someone dealing with FOA and BPD and you’re receiving these threats, it’s an unhealthy situation for both of you. Professional support may be necessary to treat the individual with BPD or help you extricate yourself from the relationship.
Assuaging Someone’s Abandonment Fears
To improve your relationship, if you’re experiencing FOA or involved with someone dealing with FOA, you can take a few steps. If the individual with BPD and FOA is ready to talk about it, begin with an open conversation about these feelings but avoid pressuring them. Even if the fears seem ridiculous to you as an outsider, to the person with BPD, it’s very real and seems like it could happen at any time, which is why their reactions may be intense.
If you’re committed to remaining in this person’s life, you can reassure them frequently that you aren’t going anywhere and they don’t need to worry about you abandoning them. Don’t expect this alone to resolve the issue, but it can be a helpful step along the way.
Ask the individual dealing with FOA how you can help, and take their requests into consideration. If they seem receptive, you can suggest attending therapy, either individually or as a couple. Again, don’t push the idea if it’s not well received.
When a Borderline Personality Disorder and Fear of Abandonment Ends a Relationship
A person with BPD may end relationships preemptively. This might seem contradictory to a FOA, but in reality, it can be a coping mechanism that allows them to distance themselves before the other person leaves them.
People with BPD may experience frequent mood swings and shift suddenly from being affectionate to being distant, feeling smothered and feeling fearful of intimate relationships. This is known as splitting, and an episode may last anywhere from days to months. When this shift occurs, the individual may end a relationship despite seeming previously invested.
How Does Fear of Abandonment Lead to a Mental Health Crisis?
BPD and abandonment fears can lead to a mental health crisis if left unchecked. Fear of abandonment can be seen as a form of anxiety. Although it’s not a standalone health condition, it can lead to a mental health crisis when an individual with FOA goes to extremes.
People with FOA may:
- Persist in toxic relationships
- Move quickly between relationships
- Be codependent
- Sabotage their relationships
- Struggle with emotional intimacy
If a person with FOA is staying in an unhealthy relationship because they’re afraid of being alone, it can have severe effects on their mental health and overall well-being.
Leaving Someone With BPD and Abandonment Fears
BPD and abandonment fears can make relationships tricky, especially if you’re in an unhealthy or abusive situation. Leaving may be the safest option. Make a plan and talk to a therapist if possible. Detach with love—care for the person’s well-being while prioritizing your own mental health. Once you decide to leave, do it with a clean break. Dragging it out can fuel toxicity, making the person with BPD act out or try to manipulate you into staying.
Treating Borderline Personality Disorder
The first step in treating BPD is getting a proper diagnosis. A visit to a skilled psychiatrist is key for understanding symptoms like fear of abandonment. During the evaluation, expect a thorough review of your medical history, plus discussions and written questionnaires about your symptoms. Once diagnosed with BPD, treatment options are available, giving you some peace of mind.
Psychotherapy
If you’ve been diagnosed with BPD, your treatment plan is likely to include psychotherapy, which is a core treatment for this condition and many others. During psychotherapy sessions, a mental health professional will likely begin with a plan that addresses your ability to function in your everyday life. They will assess your current symptoms and how they impact your mental stability, which, in turn, impacts how well you can function at home and out in the world.
Your mental health provider should also help you cope better with your emotions. Negative emotions such as fear require management, or they can cause symptoms to worsen, further impacting mental and emotional stability. An important part of psychotherapy sessions pertains to education; many patients don’t know about this disorder when they are diagnosed. Your provider should help you understand the disorder and how it manifests in your life.
There are various types of “evidence-based” psychotherapies that have proven safe and effective for BPD and co-occurring abandonment fears in scientific studies and that your provider may employ to help you manage your condition. For instance, dialectical behavioral therapy focuses on distress tolerance and helping patients improve the way they manage their emotions and relationships with family, friends, and colleagues.
Medication
Many patients with BPD are prescribed medication. Medication can improve the balance of mood. Although there are no medications specifically formulated to treat BPD and FOA, there are medications that can reduce symptoms and improve how patients feel and function as a result of symptom relief. Common medications prescribed to patients with BPD include antidepressants, antipsychotics, and mood-stabilizing drugs.
Your psychiatrist will prescribe medications based on your symptoms and take into consideration any other health conditions you may have, your medical history, and other medications you may be taking. Some drugs, such as antidepressants, may take time to build up in your system, so you might not experience noticeable symptom relief in some cases for a few weeks.
Professional Support Is Available
About 1.4% of adults in the United States have a borderline personality disorder. If you or someone you love is struggling with BPD and a fear of abandonment, you don’t need to go through it alone.
At FHE Health, our experienced team can support you through a treatment program that addresses the needs of each person. With the right support and therapy, people with borderline personality disorder can live healthy, fulfilled lives.
