When two people enter into a relationship, it’s normal for them to experience some conflicts. Each partner has their own set of values, goals and priorities that guide how they spend their time and money. Most people hope to find a partner whose lifestyle habits and philosophies align with their own, but often, couples have issues to work through together.
For some couples, differences in how they want to spend their downtime can cause conflict. For example, one partner may enjoy partying while the other would prefer to spend that time pursuing hobbies or simply enjoying quiet evenings at home.
In this article, we explore this issue by considering both sides of the conflict and highlighting practical advice for navigating differences in expectations and priorities.
Understanding the Situation
Most conflicts have two sides; rarely is one person 100% right while the other is 100% wrong. In a scenario in which a woman enjoys partying to the degree that her partner feels is unhealthy, taking a balanced look at the situation is the first step to understanding the conflict and arriving at a solution.
Her Perspective
People enjoy partying for a variety of reasons. In this scenario, the woman may see it as an opportunity to spend time with her friends. Alternatively, partying may be her method of unwinding after a stressful day, providing an escape from normal life and helping her put a mental boundary between her workday and her time off. She may also enjoy partying because it reflects her personality or fits her current life stage.
To understand the situation, it helps to identify whether a woman’s partying habits are a phase or a lifestyle choice. Many young people manage to leave their partying days behind them as they move into their mid- to late twenties, but some people stay in this mindset far longer than is normal or healthy. Some people even discover partying later in life, such as through a new group of friends.
Regardless of the cause, extensive partying can take a toll on things like job performance, grades in school and, of course, personal relationships.
The Partner’s Perspective
If the partner has different partying habits or feels concerned about how much the woman enjoys going out, it’s only natural to feel a little on edge about the behavior they’re seeing. It’s important for the individual to explore their feelings about her partying and identify the source of their unease.
For example, the partner may feel concerned for the woman’s health and safety, particularly if her going out involves recreational drugs and excessive amounts of alcohol. On the other hand, her partying may make the partner feel excluded and disconnected, or it may not align with the partner’s lifestyle preferences or values.
Identifying the source of a partner’s concerns is necessary for understanding how to resolve the conflict. If the partying habits trigger personal insecurities, or the partner worries about whether they align with societal expectations, it’s important to address these underlying issues. Recognizing and talking about these concerns can lead to a more harmonious relationship where both people feel heard.
However, there are cases in which an individual’s concern about their partner’s partying comes from its impact on the relationship dynamics. For example, it may affect the amount of quality time they spend together, or it could result in the woman overstepping the relationship boundaries the couple set. In this scenario, clear communication is important for reassessing each partner’s expectations and boundaries in the relationship.
The Relationship Context
Along with both partners’ perspectives on the conflict, it’s important to understand the relationship context. For instance, if the relationship is in its early days, there’s a different level of expectation and commitment versus that of a long-term partnership. Either way, issues such as partying habits can point to potential misalignments in values and priorities.
Communication Strategies
Differences in lifestyle habits provide opportunities to communicate openly about expectations and goals.
Preparing for a Conversation
Starting a conversation about incompatibilities with lifestyle habits is always going to be challenging, but the right circumstances can make it easier. Find a quiet time to talk, like while relaxing after dinner or enjoying a hike on a weekend morning. When there aren’t any distractions or commitments standing in the way of open communication, your partner will be more willing to engage with you.
It’s also important to take the right approach when addressing the topic. Steer clear from judgmental language and blame, and make it clear that your objective is to set goals and grow closer.
Talking About Your Concerns
Express your concerns in an open, honest way without accusations or judgment. Outline the signs you’re seeing, like going out more often or getting drunk more frequently, in an unbiased manner. Don’t embellish or attempt to miscategorize the circumstances; your partner will recognize this as a manipulation tactic.
As you’re discussing your concerns, express your feelings using “I” statements, and ask open-ended questions to understand where she’s coming from. Avoid making accusations, assuming that you understand her motivations, or issuing ultimatums.
Negotiating Solutions
Pointing fingers isn’t going to accomplish anything. Come prepared with some ideas for solutions that you can use to better frame the situation. Propose things like more date nights versus nights out partying, a limit on frequency, or a cap on the number of drinks consumed. Be prepared that some partners will not like these kinds of ideas, but those who see troubling patterns in their own behavior may be willing to acquiesce.
It’s important to note that no matter what you think of your partner’s behavior, she’s her own person. You can’t control, force, manipulate, or otherwise attempt to push change on someone who doesn’t want to change. She is entitled to live her own life, even if her choices are destructive or go against your own preferences. If your partner is unwilling to discuss change, you may need to decide whether staying in the relationship is right for you.
Evaluating the Relationship
When there are significant differences in lifestyles, relationship expectations and personal boundaries, it’s time to evaluate the relationship and ensure that it remains healthy and positive for both people.
Assessing Compatibility
Compatibility doesn’t necessarily mean two people share identical preferences and interests. However, it does require that both partners have the same values and goals for the relationship, and they’re willing to compromise, support one another’s personal growth, and communicate openly and effectively. Different lifestyle preferences can coexist harmoniously if both people are committed to understanding and respecting one another.
Whether it’s related to partying or any other lifestyle habit or preference, it’s important to distinguish between red flags and normal differences.
Red flags may include:
- A lack of respect
- Controlling behaviors
- Trust issues
- Abusive behavior
- Unreliability
- Manipulation
By contrast, normal differences include:
- Different hobbies and interests that don’t significantly impact the relationship
- Personality traits
- Cultural and familial backgrounds
- Communication styles
- Life goals
Setting Long-term Goals
To further assess a relationship, talk about future priorities. This may include career ambitions, expectations for work/life balances, habits and preferences related to socializing and what both partner’s family goals look like.
In areas where future goals differ, determine whether both partners are willing to adapt their expectations. If one or both partners can’t shift their priorities for the sake of the relationship, then it may point to fundamental incompatibilities.
Knowing When to Walk Away
If you’ve tried to discuss your concerns, offer solutions, provide support and encourage healthy lifestyle choices and nothing changes, it may be time to walk away. This is true if your partner is showing signs of a problem, as well as if your partner simply likes to party in a responsible manner a little more than you and is not willing to make a lifestyle change to suit your preferences. Only you can make this decision, for better or for worse.
Conclusion
Issues such as a partner’s partying habits can highlight the need for understanding, communication and compatibility in a relationship. When addressing a conflict such as this, it’s important to understand each person’s perspective as well as the context of the relationship. It’s also vital to address this type of conflict using healthy communication strategies with the goal of arriving at a solution both people can live with.
In some instances, this type of conflict points to a fundamental difference in goals and values. When that’s the case, it may be best to walk away from the relationship.
If you or someone you love is struggling with problematic use of drugs or alcohol, FHE is here. Our treatment programs provide comprehensive step-down care for substance use disorders of all kinds. Please contact us today to learn more.
