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Receiving the devastating news that a loved one has been lost to addiction or suicide is an experience that’s never forgotten. Many people worry that they could have done more to help their loved one and prevent the tragedy, which can bring on its own mental health crisis. During this time, it’s important to remember that experiencing a full spectrum of emotions is normal and common. There is no “right” way to feel after the accidental or intentional death of a loved one, but recognizing what’s normal can help some process their emotions.
How Is a Loss to Addiction Unique?
Losing someone to a drug or alcohol addiction is among the most significant challenges someone will face in their lifetime. Survivors experience the same range of emotions as anyone who’s lost a loved one, but the nature of the loss can lead to even more complex and complicated feelings.
Feelings of Guilt
Grief and guilt may go hand in hand when someone loses a loved one to addiction. It’s normal for friends and family to feel that if they’d played a more aggressive role in getting help for their loved one, they could have avoided the loss.
Feelings of Frustration and Anger
Substance use disorder is a disease that requires professional help – help that too many people never get. Addiction is complex and while sobriety is simple for someone who’s never relied on drugs or alcohol, the truth is that overcoming substance use disorders may be a lifelong journey. Those close to the individual may feel frustration or anger that the individual didn’t try hard enough to overcome their addiction. Those feelings may also be directed at the people they feel enabled the addiction.
Feelings of Grief Over Lost Potential
Those who have a friend, sibling, parent, spouse or child with an addiction hold onto hope that one day, their loved one will find the help and determination they need to overcome the disorder. They have hope for improved health, quality of life and relationships. Death doesn’t just end the individual’s life; it ends the opportunity for them to live a healthy, fulfilling life without substance use.
How Is a Loss to Suicide Unique?
Similarly, when a loved one dies by suicide, it can bring on some confusing emotions that make it unique from other unexpected deaths. These feelings are normal and may come and go throughout the healing process.
Feelings of Isolation
Even though a lot of attention is given to mental health and the importance of mental health care, there remains a stigma around suicide. Survivors may have a difficult time opening up about their experience and may feel that others judge them for their grief. In some religious circles, suicide may be especially taboo, making it difficult for friends and family to find compassionate support.
Feelings of Abandonment and Rejection
Suicide is the last resort for those who end their own lives, and it usually comes after the individual feels they’ve exhausted all other options. However, friends and family may feel that their loved one thoughtlessly chose to leave them behind without thought of how it would impact them emotionally, socially or financially.
Unresolved Questions
According to Dr. Michael Miller, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, many people who commit suicide do so without letting anyone know that they were thinking about it or planning it. Some people have untreated mental health conditions such as depression, but many who commit suicide don’t. Those left behind typically have a lot of questions as to why their loved one decided to end their life and what could have been done to prevent the tragedy.
Dealing with the Grief and Guilt
Those left behind after a death related to addiction or suicide can be consumed by guilt. It’s important to separate the grief from the guilt. Grief and the emotions that accompany it are healthy and normal after an unexpected loss. Guilt, however, generally isn’t constructive or healthy.
Feelings of guilt assume at least partial responsibility for the death. It may make sense for someone to experience guilt if they contributed to their loved one’s addiction by keeping them stocked with drugs or alcohol or by using substances with them. Similarly, someone may feel partially responsible for a loved one’s suicide if they didn’t proactively provide more emotional support. However, even in these instances, the individual ultimately made their own decisions that led to addiction or suicide.
Guilt and self-blame are coping mechanisms people often use to make sense of a seemingly senseless loss. It may cause a lot of pain for someone to admit that they could have or should have taken different actions with their loved one to prevent their death. However, this admission may give them reassurance that if they behave differently with loved ones in the future, they can prevent a similar loss.
While the intention may be good, the feelings of guilt aren’t appropriate or constructive. They may be hard to overcome, but it’s important to recognize that the individual, and only the individual, had the ability to make decisions that could save or end their life.
Healthy Ways to Process Grief
Grief is a difficult, deeply unpleasant emotion to manage. It’s tempting to push it down, look for distractions or mask it with other emotions such as anger, which the individual may feel more equipped to handle. While there’s nothing wrong with an occasional distraction, particularly in the early days after a loss, it’s important to process the grief in a healthy, constructive way that honors the individual whose life has ended as well as those they’ve left behind.
Allow for a Full Range of Emotions
Grief is complex, especially when it follows deaths related to addiction or suicide. Following the loss, people may feel “normal” emotions such as sadness and loneliness. However, they may also feel emotions that don’t intuitively seem to accompany grief, such as shame and anger. These feelings don’t need to be distressing for surviving loved ones. Unexpected, preventable deaths are difficult to mentally process, and it makes sense to feel a wide range of emotions.
Expect Good Days and Difficult Days
Grief isn’t a predictable linear process. People expect deep sadness, sleepless nights and overwhelming grief in the days and weeks immediately following the loss. However, it can be surprising when these difficult days come months and even years after the incident. It’s good to remember that there’s no timeline for grief. Someone may experience “good” days early on and difficult days long after the acute grief has seemingly passed.
Remember the Individual’s Life was about More Than Their Death
The death may be at the forefront of everyone’s minds, but eventually, it becomes important to remember the person’s life rather than the events that ended it. Even in the days and weeks following the death, it can be therapeutic to remember the individual’s personality traits, passions and what they added to their family and friend group.
Be Patient
Especially during the early days after an unexpected death, it’s hard to imagine life returning to normal. The acute grief and pain may be overwhelming at times, making it impossible to concentrate on anything else. At the same time, there may be some people who offer unhelpful advice on how survivors should feel, grieve or function. It’s important for the individual to remember to be patient with their own healing process, with others affected by the death who may be processing their pain differently, and with those who have good intentions but bad advice.
Things to Keep in Mind
For some, losing a loved one comes with an increased risk of using drugs or alcohol to cope, especially if they have a history of addiction. Similarly, people who’ve lost someone to suicide may be at an increased risk of having suicidal thoughts. This is likely to diminish over time, but if the feelings are particularly intense, it’s a good idea to talk about them with trusted friends or family members. In some cases, it’s beneficial to get help from a mental health care professional.
Talking to a mental health care professional is a good option for those who feel blindsided by an unexpected death due to addiction or suicide. Emotions that come with these losses can be confusing and even scary, and having a fresh perspective from someone trained in addiction and mental health issues can provide clarity while helping someone navigate their own grief. At FHE, our mental health care professionals specialize in helping people cope with the tragic loss of a loved one. To learn more about our services, contact us today.
