Loving someone who has a drug or alcohol addiction can be very difficult. Whether you’re a parent, sibling, spouse, child, or friend, it’s natural to want to be there for that person and try to help. You may find yourself trying to ease their pain, solve all their problems, or protect them from the consequences of their actions. But when substance use is involved, those efforts to help can actually enable drug or alcohol use issues. It’s therefore important to understand the difference between what constitutes enabling and meaningful support.
What is enabling behavior, and how do you recognize it? How can you support your loved one without shielding them from the consequences of their behavior? Keep reading for answers to these questions and tips for setting healthy boundaries while encouraging your loved one to take self-responsibility.
What Is Enabling Behavior vs. Caring for Someone?
The main difference between caring for someone and enabling their behavior is whether your actions protect the person from the natural consequences of their addiction and behavior. For example, things that would go into the category of caring for someone include offering emotional support and encouragement and helping them access resources for recovery. This could include providing the contact info of substance abuse counselors or taking them to rehab.
Enabling, on the other hand, involves things that remove negative consequences. This could include lying to cover up the person’s behavior or absence at a family function, giving them money that will likely be used to fund their habit, or even bailing them out of jail.
Common Signs of Enabling Behavior
Here are some common ways people may enable a loved one dealing with substance abuse.
Giving Them Money
Someone who is struggling with substance use is likely to use the money to obtain more drugs or alcohol. Continuing to give them money is almost the same as purchasing and providing their substance of choice. Those with addictions often spend tremendous amounts of money on drugs and alcohol and will use every penny they can get for it.
Overlooking Dishonest Behavior
It’s often easier to ignore when a loved one steals from you, but avoiding the issue means that they don’t have to face any consequences or acknowledge that their behavior is wrong and harming your relationship.
Giving Them a Place to Stay
Nobody wants to worry that a loved one is sleeping somewhere unsafe or is out in the elements, but offering them a place to stay without conditions can be a sign of enabling. Setting clear boundaries, such as only allowing them to stay with you when they are clean and sober, can ensure they understand your expectations. If they don’t respect those boundaries, it is necessary to ask them to leave.
Ignoring the Addiction
It can be uncomfortable and painful to talk about addiction and harmful behaviors, and you may worry about alienating your loved one. However, avoiding these conversations means the person doesn’t have to face the impact their addiction is having on those around them.
Taking Over Their Responsibilities
Covering bills or taking care of pets or children can feel like you’re just providing help and support, but over time, it can remove the ownership they feel over their own life and choices. It also means they can focus solely on procuring and using substances because their other obligations are being handled.
How to Support Someone Without Shielding Them From Consequences
It’s not easy to establish and hold to boundaries when someone you love is suffering from addiction. A good first step is often to have an open, honest conversation with your loved one about how their behavior is affecting you and others. It can also help to directly tell them what support you’re willing to offer and what you will no longer do. For example, you may be willing to give them a place to stay as long as they are pursuing outpatient treatment, but you aren’t willing to give them any money.
When they start to experience the consequences of their actions, it’s important to stay consistent and let the natural results happen. This can be difficult to watch, as it can sometimes lead to the loss of a job, parental custody, or other legal issues, but these negative consequences are often a necessary precursor to realizing they can’t continue like this and need to get help.
Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries
When you’re deciding what boundaries you will set, the following considerations can be helpful to keep in mind:
- Think about your own well-being. The point of boundaries is to protect your own physical and mental health, which means identifying what you can handle or how you can help without sacrificing yourself.
- Consider putting it in writing. Writing out your boundaries can help you solidify them and give you something clear to refer back to if the conversation becomes difficult.
- Be prepared for pushback. There is often a long and sometimes multigenerational history of enabling in families where addiction is present, and many people have learned that boundaries don’t have to be respected. Be prepared for your loved one to try to pressure or guilt you, be angry with you, or promise that “it will never happen again” if you give in.
- Seek support. Addiction affects everyone in the family, and it can be helpful to create your own support system, whether that’s through individual counseling, Al-Anon or a similar program, or a close circle of friends.
Encouraging Treatment and Self-Responsibility
One of the best ways you can support a loved one struggling with addiction is to keep encouraging them to take responsibility for their situation and actions and to seek treatment. Take advantage of any moments of clarity or crisis when the person may be more likely to accept an invitation to treatment. It can help to focus on the benefits of treatment and getting sober instead of only talking about the consequences of avoiding it. Remember that you can’t force someone into treatment or do the work for them. They must make the choice on their own out of a recognition that this isn’t the life they want for themselves and a desire to get help.
How to Get Support for Yourself in Caring without Enabling
Many family members find they need support to be able to encourage a loved one to seek treatment without enabling their addiction. Support groups are often a vital source of self-care, strength, wisdom, and community. 12-step groups like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meet weekly and are widely available around the country. Find an Al-Anon group in your area.
Help for Staging an Intervention for Your Loved One
Just as it’s always a good idea to have support when you’re facing a loved one’s addiction, it’s always a best practice to have support when you’re staging an intervention for a loved one. A trained interventionist can help you navigate the process, so that it is more likely to go smoothly and be effective at persuading a loved one to enter treatment. For more information, referrals, or help from one of our trained interventionists, contact us today.
