How Am I Doing by Peter Marinelli
How am I doing?
I was asked a question once and it was is this.
Is it possible that we can get further away from step one the further we can get away from step one ?
What was behind the question was this.
We can show up to AA, get a sponsor and are willing to do anything to get well. Then we begin going through the steps.
Things start to change internally for us and perhaps even our external conditions begin to change a well.
We are on a path and packing into the stream of life and start to feel good, and this is where the problem of living outside of ourselves can begin.
We can start to worship our emotions, our feelings and things.
We begin looking to feel good, and start to chase feel good feelings. The spiritual work we had started out of pain and desperation becomes less important. The ego starts to rebuild itself and into our lives comes self-reliance.
We begin to forget God is in charge and God keeps me sober. We forget all things go through the Father of Light. We may give lip service to this notion but our actions are quite the contrary.
Instead of being driven deeper into the need for Gods Power to stay sober and grow in understanding and effectiveness, we move away from this idea and start managing our own lives. We have simply moved away from step one.
Step 11 disciplines are minimal. Prayer and meditation becomes a quick “check in” with God instead of the Sacred time that we used to spend in the morning and evening.
Nightly review is nonexistent. Taking inventory and quickly making amends becomes taking others inventory and waiting for them to make amends. Defects are rearing their ugly heads again, and I’m not telling anyone anything that might make me look bad (sins of omission).
Inventory is something I once did when I needed it.
I am now running my life and untreated alcoholism has resurfaced and is manifesting in all sorts of sprees, thinking “I” will never drink. I keep repeating the same thing over and over believing it’s going to be different. The bedevilments are stuck to me like glue and then the drink thoughts start.
Simply put, I’ve gone backwards through the steps.
Am I looking to feel better or get better?
Now this is not a judgment on anyone who is or has experienced this. It’s simply raising the level of awareness of what can happen and what has happened to others.
“Awareness is the greatest agent for change”
Chop wood carry water